Many of us deal with some degree of anxiety in our lives, whether you’re going through a particularly stressful time at work or are feeling nervous about an upcoming project or event. But for people living with clinical anxiety disorders, anxiety is more than just situational nerves or stress; it’s a significant part of their day-to-day existence, one that can affect multiple aspects of their life—including romantic relationships. And if you’re dating someone with anxiety, you may be witnessing these effects first-hand.
“When you love someone with anxiety, you are entering into a relationship not only with them but also with the protective patterns their anxiety creates,” says relationship expert Carolina Pataky, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of South Florida’s Love Discovery Institute.
That said, anxiety does not have to take over your relationship. Plenty of people with anxiety have happy, healthy romantic partnerships. In fact, the right kind of love and support from a partner can help someone with an anxiety disorder manage the condition and thrive within a loving relationship. If you’re dating someone with anxiety and wondering how you can support them, here are tips from the experts on how to do just that.
What to Expect When Dating Someone With Anxiety
Anxiety looks different for everyone, and may look especially different across intersectional variations like race, gender, and socioeconomic status. In general, however, “anxiety often manifests as overthinking, fear of the worst-case scenario, or a need to seek reassurance,” says Pataky. “In intimate relationships, this can look like difficulty tolerating uncertainty, interpreting neutral situations as threats, or becoming preoccupied with ‘what if’ thinking.”
As a result, your partner may look to you as a source of comfort or a person they frequently seek reassurance from, says Bree Jenkins, dating coach and licensed therapist at The Gathered Life. This can also extend to social situations, and you may find your partner has a more difficult time being in the moment and enjoying things or trying new activities, Jenkins adds. If your partner finds social situations anxiety-inducing, this may look like them sticking closer to you at social events or not wanting to engage with others for long amounts of time. They may also be quiet or come off as shy or standoffish to others.
Anxiety may also manifest as overworking or perfectionist tendencies, says Jenkins. You may notice that your partner’s anxiety causes them to overthink and try to control or avoid any problems by over-performing.
How to Build a Healthy Relationship When Someone Has Anxiety
When dating someone with anxiety, it’s important to understand that their fears and tendency to seek reassurance are not about “a lack of trust or love,” but rather “an inner system that is trying to create safety in an often overwhelming world,” says Pataky.
While it’s crucial not to take a partner’s anxiety personally, Pataky adds that it is important to “recognize the ways anxiety can pull the relationship into patterns of hyper-vigilance, control, or emotional exhaustion if left unchecked.” In acknowledging the ways in which anxiety affects the relationship and working together to develop systems to cope with it, partners can forge and maintain a strong connection. “The healthiest relationships are those where both partners can name the anxiety as a third entity in the relationship, bringing awareness and compassion rather than blame or frustration,” says Pataky.
That said it’s important to note that it’s not your job to “fix” your partner’s anxiety. No matter how much you love your partner, you are not a licensed mental health professional providing treatment to them in that context. Therefore, encouraging them to seek professional care and perhaps look into medication or other forms of treatment is one of the biggest ways you can support them and your relationship. Ultimately, “anxiety is an extremely common issue that doesn’t have to be a deterrent to a relationship, but it does take support and accountability to manage its effect,” says Jenkins.
How to Support a Partner With Anxiety
The individual needs of any given person with anxiety will vary, but here are some expert tips on ways you may be able to help support them and maintain the health of your partnership.
Understand your role
Again, you are not their therapist, and it is not your job to “cure” them. “Supporting a partner with anxiety is about co-regulation, not control,” says Pataky. “Your role is not to eliminate their anxiety, but to help create an environment where they feel safe enough to navigate it with you rather than alone.”
Communicate
Validate their feelings without feeding into their fears
You want to make your partner feel seen and understood, but you don’t want to confirm or reinforce the anxiety they’re feeling. Pataky says this starts with learning to stay grounded yourself, so you don’t get swept into your partner’s urgency or catastrophizing.
“Validate their feelings without colluding with the fear,” says Pataky. “For example, you might say, ‘I see how anxious this makes you feel, and I’m here with you,’ rather than trying to argue with the anxiety or dismiss it.”
And when listening to your partner, remember to be patient and kind in your words, Jenkins says. People who have anxiety can be hard on themselves and sensitive to judgment and harsh feedback. Therefore, Jenkins says it’s important to “have a gentle tone, but also a clear message.”
Establish boundaries
“Practice boundaries with love,” says Pataky. “It’s okay to say, ‘I’m here to listen, but I can’t offer more reassurance right now because I don’t want to feed the anxiety cycle.’ In doing so, you are honoring both your partner’s experience and the health of the relationship.”
Having healthy boundaries will be better for both of you in the long run. You can also be a supportive partner by advocating for self-care and reminding your partner of the tools and other resources they have available. “Fostering codependency for their anxiety management by you being the only person of comfort will not be the best long term plan,” Jenkins says. If you take care of yourself and normalize self-care along with therapy, this can make it easier to encourage your partner to seek out those resources in addition to your emotional support.
Remember, anxiety is really common! Taking steps to consciously be a supportive and non-judgmental partner will not only help your loved one, it will also probably bring you both closer.
